


Don't Feel Sorry for Lover Boy

by AssyPiff



Series: Fancy Dress Party S2 E2 [2]
Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:24:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14911883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssyPiff/pseuds/AssyPiff
Summary: What happens when John goes back to Elsie's to give her back her inhaler after the work's party.





	1. Chapter 1

It is 1:21 as John drives away from Kayleigh to the tune of "Don't Feel Sorry for Loverboy". "I swear to God" he mutters to himself, "Even at this hour Forever FM is taking the piss!" Someone is trying to tell him something! "Don't Feel Sorry for Loverboy, he wants the world to love him but then he goes and spoils it all..." He is feeling very sorry for himself and put upon, but he can't refuse Kayleigh anything. He didn't ruin anything! Bloody Elsie did! Interrupting them when they were about to snog! 

He drives to Elsie's house lost in his own recollections of the Work's Do. Of watching Kayleigh dance with her characteristic abandon, her twerking with Big Diane off Non Foods was a sight he would never be able to unsee. Kayleigh pulling him up to Gloria Gaynor and singing the words to I Will Survive very loudly and out of tune. John grimaces to himself...She'd be rubbish on X Factor he thinks affectionately.

Pulling up onto Elsie's drive, John is greeted by Elsie at the front door spilling out of a pink baby-doll kimono with what she thinks is an alluring expression. The blond wig has gone as has most of the blue Smurf make up but there are still traces of it outlining her face. John is alarmed at the vision before him and takes a deep breath before grabbing the inhaler from the front seat and rushes up the path intending to give it to her and be gone as quickly as possible. Elsie has other ideas. ..

"Oh you've come back, Mr Redmond, I knew you wouldn't be able to resist me with Kayleigh out of the way!"  
John recoils in horror! Elsie really was a bloody headcase! How could she possibly think he would choose her over Kayleigh, who was fast becoming his best friend, the object of his fantasies, his everything. Kayleigh, gorgeous and infuriating in equal measure, for whom he was finding it increasingly difficult to hide his feelings.

"Here's your inhaler!" John says, thrusting it towards her. Elsie does seem a bit breathless he thinks. Elsie's breathless state has little to do with her lack of inhaler. She meant every drunken word of it when she told Kayleigh that she would ride him as if she had stole him if she was her! He had definitely revved her engine in his Harry Potter cape....He could use his wand on her anytime he liked! 

The situation on Elsie's doorstep was rapidly careering out of John's control. He was in absolutely no doubt that he would be in there like Flynn if he was imprudent and took what was obviously being offered. He might be a typical man desperate to get his end away...a man has needs after all....but he would never want anyone but Kayleigh again. John's brain was working as fast as his sleep deprived synapses could manage. How to extract himself without looking like a right n-o-b head. 

"Listen Elsie I really have to be off, I've got to be in work in two hours!"

" Let me show you what a real woman can do Mr Redmond! " Elsie says lurching towards John. Her Cagney and Lacey's are bouncing around alarmingly and unfettered, reminding John briefly of that Queen song...I Want to Break Free. And Mother of God she was going to break free at any moment if he didn't get the hell out of dodge. "No wonder she's a slave to jogger's nipple" John thinks as he makes a break for it, thrusting the inhaler at Elsie before high-tailing it back to his Fiat. He gets in locking the doors and speeds off the drive. 

"Bloody Hell Fire! That was close!" he exclaims. He looks down and sees Elsie's fork on the passenger seat. Bugger that! He was not going back for love nor money! He vows he will never think of this again and he certainly won't be telling Kayleigh why he still has Elsie's fork!  
"I'm saying nothin'" John shudders as he finally heads for home.


	2. The day after the Work's Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumours run rife the next day after Elsie tells everyone John goes back to her's.

Five hours later John is back outside Mandy's waiting for Kayleigh to appear. Steve is out with his bike and saunters over to John who has not got out of his car.

"Good night was it then?" Steve asks with a wink. " Any magic happen?"

"It were alright" John replies tiredly, "could've done without playing bloody taxi driver though! Why what's Kayleigh said?"

"Not a lot but she's really happy about something pal. Thought you'd finally made a move" Steve grins. 

John shakes his head "Not me mate!" "Though not through want of trying"...he mutters to himself.

" Well try harder pal! You've got a good one there and she's mad about you!"

Steve retreats back to his bike as John slightly nods at him in acknowledgement of both his points and Kayleigh carefully makes her way down the drive looking like death warmed over.

"Morning" says John, "How ya doing?"

" Today is going to be very long John, I'm too old for this carry on! "

"I hear ya! Thank Christ it's only once a year!" John sets off on their way to work, Forever FM playing softly in the background.

"Did you get to Elsie's ok?" Kayleigh asks as she is settling into her seat preparing herself to go back to sleep whilst John is driving.

" Bloody hell yes! Headcase that one! I finally got home at 3!"

The rest of the drive in was quiet. Kayleigh had slept all the way and John is hoping that Elsie has forgotten her attempted seduction and says nothing about it. It is a forlorn hope but he really doesn't want Kayleigh hearing about it. He drove in on auto pilot thinking about how he'd really wanted to kiss the woman asleep beside him. How they had been so close and the look in her eye the millisecond before they were interrupted which made him think that she wanted it too. Putting that together with the CD and Steve's remarks John realised that perhaps his feelings were reciprocated and now he had to decide what if anything to do about it.  
Arriving at work, John touches Kayleigh's arm and shakes it a bit in an attempt to wake her up.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty! Time to wake up!"

" Oh John let's go back to bed, " she says sleepily, "I'm having a lovely dream..."

" Well as tempting as that is got to get up and at 'em this morning! " John is smiling as Kayleigh surfaces. 

"What are you smiling at me like that for?" Kayleigh enquires. John has a peculiar expression on his face and Kayleigh wonders why he has hold of her arm.

" If ya don't know I'm not telling ya! Come on! Work! "  
They leave the Fiat, Kayleigh feeling groggy and hungover, John feeling tired and smitten, to enter the back door, John to his desk and Kayleigh to the breakroom.  
When she reached the breakroom, Elsie is holding court and nobody sees Kayleigh at the door. There's Alexa, Joyce Chung, Diane, Gail and Pamela hanging off Elsie's every word.

"Well I'm telling you this...when we dropped Kayleigh off he came back round to mine...and it wasn't to give me back my fork!"

The others gasp in disbelief. "We all thought he was stuck on Kayleigh" Pamela says, "And you're telling us he went back to yours willingly?"

" Well he did need a bit of persuading to start with", Elsie concedes, "he was a bit reserved in the car with Kayleigh there but you should've seen him move when he came back!" Elsie laughs filthily and the others join in.

Kayleigh had heard enough. She retreats out the door without her much needed brew and goes back to stand at the back door to gather herself. How could John do this? He was about to kiss her and then goes back round to Elsie's for a bit of "how's your father?" Kayleigh can't believe it but Elsie sounded genuine enough. She's devastated. This explains why John has always regarded her with an easy affection but had never made a move. He didn't fancy her after all, just her desperate longing giving her false hope. But really? Elsie? Kayleigh sighs to herself...could this day get any worse?

Well it could apparently. All through the day every one Kayleigh came across gave her pitying looks and spoke to her in the same tone. "You ok Kayleigh love?" Seemed to be on everyone's lips. Kayleigh was fit to burst by the time it was home time.

John was completely unaware of the gossip about him and Elsie running rampant around the store. He had been in a conference call with Exeter for most of the morning and then meetings all afternoon. So when he saw Kayleigh visibly upset when he got to his car he could only think that something had happened with Mandy or the kids. 

"Ok there Kayleigh?" John enquired as he approached.

" I'm fine John thanks. Just tired from this hangover. Can't wait to get home and into my onesie. " Kayleigh's tone is flat and it was partially true. But she certainly was not ok. 

They get into the car and set off on their journey home. The evening playlist seems to have been set by the biggest sadist going. Each song seemed to be worse and after Every Day Hurts Without You, Nothing Compares to You and I'm All Out of Love...Kayleigh has had enough.

"Do you mind if we turn this off for a bit John? My head's banging."

"No not at all," John says. His glances over to Kayleigh had been getting increasingly concerned. Now she's trying to wipe away a tear without him seeing.

"What's up Kayleigh? Ya seem upset?" John touches her arm and she pulls away.

" Just get me home please John. " Kayleigh turns her body round to her door, sighs and closes her eyes.

John is now starting to panic. Something is definitely up with Kayleigh and he couldn't figure out what it was. He hadn't done anything had he?. She would have said if it was Mandy or the kids...John was at a loss. As they pulled up outside Mandy's, John tried again.

"I wish ya would tell me what's wrong," he said gently. " I hate seeing ya like this. " 

"It's ok John, I'll be fine. I don't want to hold you up." Kayleigh is desperate to escape now afraid she will make an even bigger fool of herself.

" I've got nowhere else to be, " John says turning in his seat.  
Kayleigh sighs in resignation, " I know you're private about personal stuff John, but I would have appreciated a little warning rather than having to hear all about it in the breakroom this morning. " 

John is now utterly confused. "Hear about what? "

"You and Elsie!" Kayleigh moves to unbuckle her seat belt and get the hell out of there with the little remnants of dignity she has left. 

John moved to stop her. "What about Elsie?" He's genuinely baffled.

"You know John!"

"Just pretend for a minute I don't and tell me what ya heard...please. "

Kayleigh is struck by the worried look chased closely by dawning horror on John's face.

Kayleigh took a deep breath "She said that you couldn't wait to get back to her's, that you didn't go back for her fork and that you are a fast mover." 

Kayleigh feels humiliated having to repeat all of this but as she sneeks a glance at John she is surprised by his expression. He is holding his head in his hands and moaning.

John looks up and with a red face says "All of that was true, Kayleigh, but that's not how it happened I swear to God!"

Kayleigh doesn't look as if she believes him. "I'm sure John. " 

"Look I didn't want to have to tell ya this as you're friends with her and all. She propositioned me on the way to her house while you were asleep in the back there. I fended her off but I really didn't want to go back to hers, especially after we nearly....ya know!"

Kayleigh started to thaw... "Well that two-faced bitch! Going on about rumours about us and then makes a move on you herself! "

"This is not very manly to admit....I will deny it if ya repeat this...but I were bloody terrified. I get back there and she's waiting to pounce on her doorstep in a nightie with her Cagney and Lacey's running free...no wonder she has jogger 's nipple. I swear to God Kayleigh I got the hell out of there as soon as I could! You must know I'm not interested in her...don't ya? " He grabs her hand and looks at her intently for a few seconds then let's her go.

Whilst listening to all this Kayleigh is increasingly incredulous. Poor John! What a nightmare!

"What are we going to do John? It's all round the store that you ditched me and went round there to give her one!"

"Oh bloody hell fire! I've missed all of that, I've been in meetings all day. No wonder you were upset. You do believe me? "

"Of course I do John! But how are we going to handle this at work?"

" I will have to see Dave Thompson and head him off at the pass. Tell him exactly what happened...well that involving Elsie anyway" John suddenly looks sheepish.

"I've been the subject of everyone's pity today John, it's been hideous. It's not like we're together or anything!" Kayleigh looks at John slyly to gauge his reaction. 

" I wouldn't do anything to hurt ya Kayleigh" this is as much as John can manage for now. He needs to think about things, mull over where if anywhere he wants to take things with Kayleigh. He knows he doesn't want to ruin his chances before he starts by reacting wrongly to this shite with Elsie. He gets why Kayleigh was upset and now things are sorted with her he has gone into full blown damage limitation mode.

"I will see Dave Thompson first thing and see how he wants to play it. What'll we do about you though?"

" I can't have another day like that John, it's done my head in. "

"Well it's up to you what ya say Kayleigh but I'll be making it clear I wasn't making any moves on either of ya! I could be had up on Sexual Harrassment charges!"

"I'm not having that John! You've done nothing wrong! If anything Elsie was harassing you! Don't worry about me John I'll sort that conniving bitch Elsie out...you just watch me!"

With that Kayleigh rests her hand on John's arm and gives it a squeeze. 

"See you tomorrow John. Try not to worry"

" Some bloody chance of that! " John thinks as he drives off. "At least Kayleigh believes me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets with Dave Thompson

The next morning, after a sleepless night, John sets off towards Bury to pick up Kayleigh. He was worried about how Dave Thompson would react but deep down knew that Dave would support him. It's not that it was likely that he would have done what Elsie had insinuated. He knew he had a straight-laced reputation and had more than once been told to "take the stick out of your arse!" At last his reputation was to his advantage. He had gracefully let Rachel down and not gone for a drink with her, he'd told her that he really shouldn't be seen to fraternise with the staff. He made himself sound regretful even though he wasn't really especially at how Kayleigh had reacted. She was jealous and this made John do a little happy dance in his heart.

He didn't know how Dave would handle it but he was more worried about Kayleigh. He was vastly relieved that she had believed him, but she had made no comment about their almost-kiss. Perhaps it was lost in her drunken haze. He hoped not but now wouldn't be the time to try again. John was worried about how Kayleigh would carry on. She had told him on their first car sharing day how she exacted her revenge on her shithouse of an ex. John shuddered when he imagined how Kayleigh might go about retaliating. He certainly didn't want a repeat of the fight between Elsie and Janine Cosgrove! 

Arriving at Kayleigh's John was surprised to see Kayleigh already out waiting for him. She looked better than she did last night, more rested but determined.

"Morning John, how are you today?" She asks as she settled herself into her seat.

" Bloody tired, I didn't get a wink of sleep! "

" Oh John you worry too much! " Kayleigh squeezes his arm "It'll all be alright, you'll see."

John covers her hand with his and gently squeezes back. "Thanks for supporting me Kayleigh, it means the world to me that ya believe me."

"Of course John! You're nothing but a perfect gentleman...can't have that Elsie saying otherwise. You're not like the losers at work...that's why I like you so much! "

John drives off with a smile. If they get out of this unscathed he's definitely going to have to think of something to thank her. The rest of the journey to work was pretty much the same as all the other days, laughing, singing and enjoying each other's company.

"What time are you seeing Dave Thompson?"

" First thing, I texted him when I got home last night, asked to see him asap. Didn't tell him why though. "

"Well let me know what happens. I won't be able to think straight til I find out."

" I will as soon as I can. Dave might want to see you too. "

"I'll be ready for him John."

" What will ya say to Elsie? Probably best not say anything until we find out what Dave's going to do."

"I know how to keep my mouth shut John! There's more than one way of skinning a cat!"

" Right well we'd better get in and face the music" John says with a sigh.

John goes straight up to Dave Thompson's office. He's relieved that he doesn't see anyone on the way. The last thing he needs is for some tool to make some smart-arsed comment and for him to lose his temper. John taps the door lightly and goes in at Dave's behest. 

"What's this all about John?" Dave asks.

" Well it's like this Dave. I gave Kayleigh and Elsie a lift home from the Do the other night, " John pauses to gauge Dave's reaction so far..it being fairly favourable he ploughs on thinking it best to just get to the point, " they were both pretty leathered! I dropped Elsie off first and was bloody glad to get rid of her. She was right frisky in the car when Kayleigh fell asleep it was all I could do to fend her off! " 

Dave chuckles.. "Bloody Hell John I bet you were bricking it!" 

" I were that Dave! Anyway I get round to Kayleigh's to drop her off when Elsie phones Kayleigh to say she's left her inhaler so I have to go back to give it to her. "

Dave chuckles again... "I bet that ruined the moment with Kayleigh!" 

John is shocked. How did he know?

"Oh come on John! The world and his wife could see how you look at her...even with that bloody stupid Hagrid costume on!"

John decides not to give a straight answer to that...and carries on..  
" So I get back round to Elsie's with her bloody inhaler and she's waiting for me on her doorstep looking like something out of Rocky Horror! I swear to God Dave I did nothing but get the hell out of dodge!"

Dave belly laughs at the image in his head of Elsie trying to lure John in and him running away.

"So what's the problem?" Dave isn't sure he can see what John is so worked up over.

" Elsie's only gone and told everyone that I ditched Kayleigh to go round there and give her one! I don't want to be had up on a Sexual Harassment charge or on a disciplinary for fraternising. On top of all that I'm worried about Kayleigh. Elsie has managed to really upset her and I don't want her nose to get broken like Janine Cosgrove's." John momentarily forgets himself and adds "she has a lovely nose." John sinks into a chair and seems to literally deflate now that he has got it all off his chest.

"Oh God! John has got it bad!" Dave thinks to himself. ..but on balance he prefers Kayleigh to Elsie although it is a close call at times like the Cos Lettuce Fiasco ! He can see nothing that John has done wrong and knows that John's standing and reputation with the staff is important to him. He also knows how important Kayleigh is to him even if he hasn't seen it himself yet.

"Right, here's what we're going to do, " Dave says, "I'm going to call Kayleigh and Elsie in here to get their side of the story" ...John interrupts with a loud groan but Dave continues " I need to nip this in the bud John, can't have Management being rumoured to sexually harass staff. I know you didn't do anything and why" Dave winks at him, " but I have to be seen to investigate this properly. I suggest you go back to put the finishing touches to your Christmas Team for the rescheduled meeting with Alan Campbell. Oh let Kayleigh know I want to see her pronto! "

John is extremely relieved and goes to find Kayleigh. She's still in the breakroom and she's looking daggers at Elsie who is giggling away and nudging Gail. John puts his hand on Kayleigh's shoulder and leans down to talk quietly in her ear. 

"Dave wants to see you in his office Kayleigh."

" Everything ok John? " Kayleigh looks up at him

" Yep not a worry," he says with a slight squeeze of her shoulder, "Dave just wants your side of the story...he's on our side so go easy on him!"

" Well he'd better be or I'll knock his bloody head off with that bitch's! " Kayleigh nods towards Elsie who is pretending not to be taking in this little interlude. "I'll just tell him the truth John!"

"That's all I need ya to do love!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayleigh meets with Dave Thompson

As Kayleigh gets up to leave, Elsie winks at John with a leer... 

"How ya doin' Mr Loverlover? Recover from the other night? Want a repeat performance? " she giggles and nudges John. Gail looks away a bit embarrassed.

John backs away muttering "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all his carpenter friends!" and retreats back to the safety of his office.

Kayleigh makes her way up to Dave Thompson's office determined that that Scottish leprechaun will not punish John! She knocks on his door and waits.

"Come in Kayleigh and take a seat. Thanks for coming up so promptly."

" What can I do for you? " Kayleigh asks tightly.

"I expect you've heard the rumours about Elsie and John?" He raises his hand to stop her before she launches into the diatribe she has planned.

"I just want you to tell me what happened the other night and anything else you think might be relevant, this isn't a witch-hunt, Kayleigh. I need to be clear what happened, that's all." 

Dave does his best to reassure Kayleigh, he can't be doing with her being all up in the air. He expects her to defend John, but he doesn't expect her affection and loyalty. 

" Ok, first of all I want to tell you that I have never seen John behave in any way that wasn't the perfect gentleman! It's just not in him to behave like most of the n-o-b heads that work at this place! He is respectful and lovely and I can't believe that Elsie has said this and that anyone might actually believe it."

"Alright, I get it, Kayleigh, what happened when John drove you home? Whose idea was it to take Elsie?"

Kayleigh groans, "It was mine! I wish I hadn't suggested it now! Elsie said something about how she couldn't get home because there were no taxis, something to do with Ramadan, but I was busy trying to fish my beard out of the bog at the time so I'm a bit hazy."

"What happened in the car Kayleigh?" Dave thinks that this is going to to be a very long morning at this rate .

"We were singing in the car, me and Elsie, and Elsie grabs John's knee going for the heater...oh poor John! No wonder he looked so uncomfortable... Anyway I think we were talking about Rick and Donna and then Elsie started going on about us! She said we were talk of the shop but wouldn't tell us what anyone said! She 's not a gossip, apparently! But there isn't anything going on honestly! He hasn't made a move on me... we're friends that's all." Kayleigh looks sad but bravely continues. " anyway I think I must've passed out because the next thing I know is that we're at Elsie's. Took ages 'cos she wouldn't tell us where she lived! This I do remember, she told me to hang on to John 'cos he's a keeper. Oh and bloody cheek! She said she'd "ride him as if she's stole him" if she was me! I'm so sorry I made John go back round there when Elsie phoned me about her inhaler! I bet she dropped her handbag all over the floor just so she could bloody well leave it! Conniving cow! "

"Ok, Kayleigh I get the picture! What were you and John doing when she phoned?" Dave has a fair idea but he wants to know just for his own amusement.

"We'd just pulled up outside Our Mandy's," Kayleigh shifts in her seat slightly and appears a bit evasive, " we were just saying good night when she rang. "

"Right, I see! So you made him go back to Elsie's with her inhaler?" Dave tries to hide the smirk from his face but isn't very successful.

" Yes! He said she was there waiting to pounce! This is all my fault! If I hadn't insisted he take her with us none of this would've happened! I hope John isn't in any trouble over this! "

"Don't worry Kayleigh, I just needed to know what you saw. I can't think of anyone least likely to land one on Elsie! He's otherwise occupied, poor lad! And don't you get into one with her either! Let me handle this! "

With that Kayleigh gets up to leave, "Thank you for giving John a fair hearing, he doesn't deserve all this!" She has stored up this little slip from Dave about John being otherwise occupied. What the hell does he mean by that?! 

Kayleigh has gone up in Dave's estimation, she might be dozy but she's not like the Rachels of this world who are trying to shag her way up the ladder as he had privately got her labelled. She genuinely cares about John and Dave thinks John could do a lot worse. Dave laughs to himself when Kayleigh's gone. That pair are so oblivious they are like Love's Young Dream! No wonder Elsie's jealous and trying to put a spoke in! That was Dave 's hypothesis which he was now about to test. He calls through to Cath Hilton to ask her to summon Elsie up to his office...his day was about to get longer but more entertaining he thinks.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave Thompson meets with Elsie.

Elsie is surprised when the phone in the back of the deli rang and it was Cath Hilton.

" Hello Elsie, Dave Thompson wants you in his office as soon as you can manage. "

"What's this all about Cath?" Elsie has no idea why she might be being summoned up to Dave Thompson. 

"He didn't say Elsie, but I'd get up there as soon as if I were you." Cath rings off. She doesn't know what this is all about but can make a reasonable guess seeing as both John and Kayleigh have both been into see Dave this morning. She was in no doubt she would be filled in by Dave if it needed to go formally to HR. She shakes her head...fancy Elsie thinking she could get between those two! They're a regular Romeo and Juliet the pair of them!

Elsie makes her way slowly up to Dave Thompson's office, she can't move quickly with her oul' knees in this state! She knocks at his door and waits to be told to come in.

"Take a seat Elsie." Dave looks serious but underneath is secretly enjoying this little drama.

"What's all this about Mr Thompson? I swear I haven't touched Janine since she came back to work!"

" A rumour has reached me about you and John Redmond, Elsie. I need you to tell me if it's true before I decide on any disciplinary action. " Dave is laying it on with a trowel...he has a plan and wants Elsie to believe John could be in serious trouble. "It's a serious offence for Management to be fraternising with the staff..brings the company into disrepute! "

Elsie now has a decision to make. Either she tells the truth and makes herself out to be a liar or she doesn't and Mr Redmond will be in deep shit! Dave could see Elsie's dilemma play across her face. He really is relishing seeing her discomforture and waits her out. He wouldn't lay a bet on which way she'll go but either way he has her by the short and curlies!

"Now Mr Thompson, where d'you hear that?" Elsie is hedging her bets.

" John came to see me this morning and told me rumours were rife in the store. He was very upset, Kayleigh is none too happy either. I think you had better tell me what happened. "

"Ah Mr Thompson just a wee joke!" Elsie has decided to play the whole thing down. "I got a lift home with Mr Redmond and Kayleigh after the party, sure I did. I had a wee devil sitting on ma shoulder that night!" She laughs, "You must have seen them Mr Thompson, aw so cute the pair of them! I just thought they needed a nudge in the right direction! "

Elsie looks at Dave for confirmation, but at the neutral look on his face she hurries on. "So Elsie, I says to myself, here's your golden opportunity! They were denying that anything was going on....but we know the truth, don't we Mr Thompson?" she taps the side of her nose conspiratorially.

In truth Dave couldn't agree with her more. He knew the whole of his staff were waiting for them to get together, himself included, to the extent that there was a pool going with nearly 500 quid in it, some of that money was his! But he had to maintain his bullshit management position and felt this was an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

"So how did you think you were going to help them get together?" Dave asks, thinking that Elsie might not be as stupid as she often appeared.

" So after they try and deny there was anything going on, they don't fool me, they don't fool no-one! I decide to ramp it up a little to see how they 'd react. I start flirting with Mr Redmond knowing he wouldn't bite! It is Mr Redmond after all! He looked like a rabbit in the headlights, bless him! "

At this Dave allows himself a laugh. He can imagine the scene and is enjoying this immensely. He has a lot of time for John, but he really does need to lighten up!

"So anyway we gets to mine eventually and I tell Kayleigh that he's a keeper and she should ride him before anyone else gets in there! Oh you should've seen their faces Mr Thompson! It was so funny! "

Dave forgets he's supposed to be being stern and shares a chuckle with Elsie.

"I get him into mine and try some of the oul' Elsie charm! He can't get out of there quick enough after I start running a bath for him! He's a fast mover, I'll give him that! Just not with our Kayleigh!"

She starts laughing and carries on until there are tears running down her cheeks. Dave manages to control himself but only just. He would pay good money to have seen all this!

"Anyway," Elsie continues after wiping her eyes on the edge of her deli apron, " I manage to leave my inhaler in his car and call Kayleigh to get him to come back with it. As a plan it worked a treat! I get the idea there was something going on when she answered the phone, shame that, if they were going to snog at long last that would have been it, the way they were looking at each other! " 

Dave silently agrees, he wishes they would just get down and dirty and put everyone out of their misery already! "So what happened next?" Dave can hardly wait for the next installment, knowing that John must have given him the PG version!

" Last ditch attempt at seduction here, Mr Thompson," Elsie has long since given up trying to mitigate her role in all this, she is enjoying the telling of the story too much, " I get changed into a little oul' nightie of mine that never failed to rev up my Eddie, until he went off with that Dirty Welsh Whore! Anyhoo I'm doing my level best on me doorstep Mr Thompson, but our John looks like he's about to have a coronary! Ah bless, I mean who'd turn this down? " she indicates herself, "but he's away like lightening! Kayleigh has not got anything worry about!" 

Again Dave secretly agrees. He knows exactly why John turned Elsie down, a ten foot barge pole wouldn't be long enough for him either! Satisfied that John has done nothing wrong and that Elsie was just trying to nudge the reluctant lovers in the right direction, Dave has to think of a way to deal with the rumour mill.

"So what about these rumours Elsie? What have you be saying?" 

" Well Mr Thompson, after Plan A went off like a treat, Plan B was to get Kayleigh jealous. And my, she is that! I swear I told the absolute truth, not my fault if the others filled in the blanks! " Elsie has gone back to self-preservation mode. "I just said that he didn't come back to mine to give me back my fork! Which is true 'cos I still haven't got it back!"

Dave looks at Elsie baffled but decides it's best not to ask and lets her continue.

" I said he was a fast mover! And by God he shifted like he had a rocket up his arse! "

Dave has had enough. "Right Elsie, I want you to keep your mouth shut until I decide what to do about all this. Keep out of their way and no more gossiping! You've caused enough trouble as it is! You'd better get back on the deli! I'll let you know if I want to see you again. "

"Aw Mr Thompson, I only meant to push them together, no harm done eh?"

" We'll see about that Elsie! " Dave mutters as he ushers her out of his door. He sits down and laughs so much that Cath Hilton knocks and comes in to see if he's ok and not having another episode with his heart.

"Wait til you hear this Cath! It's piss funny!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave Thompson and Cath Hilton discuss what to do

Dave relates to Cath his morning conversations. She has already heard the store gossip and was there when Elsie was relating John's visit with great relish. Cath had seen Kayleigh and her reaction to Elsie's salacious gossiping. It wasn't going to be pretty she knew that! They were both wheezing with the effort to breathe they were laughing so much. 

"We shouldn't be laughing really," says Cath "but by God this is funnier than the time when Elsie broke Janine's nose! What are you going to do Dave?"

Dave has finally regained his equanimity. " Oh it's clear Elsie 's frightened our John half to death by trying to get those two love birds together! He's not crossed any lines, poor lad, even with Kayleigh... "

"He is really is hopeless," Cath agrees, "he's so besotted he can't see straight! So what are you going to do about the gossip going round the staff?"

Dave sighs, "Well it's a chance to teach Elsie a lesson! I haven't decided yet, but how I'll keep a straight face I don't bloody know!"

" And how are you going to get round this fraternisation rule for them? " 

Being head of HR Cath knows that the non-fraternisation rule was there to discourage inappropriate liaisons between managers and those they managed but in reality was broken regularly. Ian Litchfield at the Wigan store had been getting away with it for years. 

"I don't see a problem if we give them special permission and I do her appraisal," Dave muses and looks to Cath for confirmation.

" Yes that should be fine Dave, that's if he ever has the courage to ask her! We'd have a riot on our hands if we stood in their way! Everyone is rooting for those two...never seen anything like it! "

"I know Cath! Did you see them together at the party dancing to Gloria Gaynor?"

" I did Dave! That was just to prove to Diane off Non-Foods that he isn't gay! She spread that rumour last year after he danced to that all by himself! Poor lad, he just wants to come in do his job and go home and he gets himself involved in all these rumours! " she chuckles. 

"Everyone just wants to see him let his hair down and be happy. Looks like our Kayleigh is helping him do that! They are so lovely together! I'm not surprised Elsie wanted to take matters into her own hands to get them together. She's got a soft spot for him since he saved her from getting the sack over the fight with Janine Cosgrove. I see them in his car and just want to shake them! I don't know how much more of this we can all stand!"

Dave agrees, "I'm sick of John mooning about like a lovesick bloody puppy! I want to tell him to man up and get on with it already!" Dave is less romantic but the sentiment is the same!

"Right, I have to get on with some actual work Cath! I'm going to leave this for the rest of the day. Would you send an email out that there will be a staff meeting at 10.30 tomorrow in the big meeting room? Anyone that can attend should and that meeting notes will be sent out to those manning the fort? I'll see John later to give him the heads up. I want him to be prepared so as not to throw him a curve ball at the meeting. "

"Will do Dave...can't wait for this one! No offence but most meetings are pretty dull. I have a feeling this one will be one to remember!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave fills John in on his plan

After the flurry of meetings, the day carries on as every other day, except that Elsie is unusually quiet on the deli. Her usual exuberance is somewhat dimmed, she's actually worried that she's gone too far this time and ponders whether her drunken attempts to play Cupid were in fact a good idea.

Kayleigh tries to act normal but she is worried about John, despite Dave's Thompson's assurances. What if that n-o-b head decided to enforce the Non-fraternisation rule? There wasn't a rule that John would willingly break and he certainly wouldn't break this one it now it's being made so public. The slender hopes she had about her and John were sinking fast. But he was her best friend and she would support him whatever happened.

Meanwhile, in John's little corner of the store, he was not doing well. Sat at his desk pretending to study his plans for Christmas, he was wondering for the hundredth time how he was going to get out of this with his dignity in tact. Dozens of scenarios ran through his head none of which ended well for him. 

A couple of hours later Dave pokes his head round the door and says "Can I have a quick word John?"

"Sure thing Dave, " John answers with more confidence than he feels.

"Just to give you the heads up John, I've asked Cath to call a staff meeting for 10.30 tomorrow morning. We've got to kick this shite to the curb!"

"Right Dave, couldn't agree more!" John is dreading what's coming next. .. But it's not what he expects...

"Ok, I'm going to give this to you straight. Elsie says she was coming on to you to help you and Kayleigh get together and I believe her."

John is incredulous, "She what?" He almost chokes on his own saliva and starts to cough.

" Yes it was all part of her plan apparently when you wouldn't admit there's anything going on between you two she got a bit carried away trying to make Kayleigh jealous, " Dave sighs, "not a bleeding genius that one!"

John has been struck dumb. What the bloody hell?! " So she wasn't giving me the come on? "

"Oh yes she was but she knew you wouldn't bite! I'm not sure how all this was supposed to get you two together, but she's a headcase that one so it's anyone's bloody guess! "

John groans... "But there's nothing going on with me and Kayleigh!"

Dave tries again... "That's precisely the point! We're all waiting for you to put Kayleigh out of her misery and Elsie got impatient that's all!" He can't believe he's trying to defend Elsie but it's about time John got his head out of his arse and manned up!

John doesn't bother trying to deny anything, that ship has long since sailed.

"I can't," he says weakly, "what about the Non-fraternisation policy?" He really is grasping at straws now!

"You and I both know it's a load of bollocks! Your mate Ian Litchfield would've been sacked a dozen times over if that policy meant anything! "

John looks stunned.

"Look John, I'm not trying to interfere in your business but you've got a good lass there. All I'm saying is that if you are going to make a move don't worry about the company. Cath Hilton and I have agreed that as long as I do her appraisal they'll be no problem as long as you two can control yourselves at work, unlike that unfortunate incident with Rick and Donna in the skip by the back door.

John can't believe what he's hearing. "So you're giving me permission...." he trails off

" To get your end away with Kayleigh, yes! You know she really surprised me today. I thought she 's been playing you like a fucking fiddle John, but she really stuck up for you today. She's not one of these Shag-Their-Way -Up -The-Ladder types, I was wrong there. She defended you like a lioness defends her young! I'd want her on my side in a fight I tell you that! Still thick as shit mind you! "

"Hey! Steady Dave!" John immediately leaps to Kayleigh's defence.

"See what I mean! Look all of that is your business! I'm not pushing you into anything! I'm not about to embarrass you or push you faster than you're willing to go! Here's what we're going to do about Elsie..." 

Dave outlines his plan for the meeting tomorrow and leaves John to ponder what the hell he was going to do about Kayleigh.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cath Hilton tells John some home truths

The rest of the day proceeds without incident, Elsie managed to keep out of everyone's way and bar a lot of enquiring looks in John and Kayleigh's directions, nothing else was said. It was like that strange lull before a storm where it goes eerily quiet before all hell breaks loose.

Kayleigh, along with the rest of the staff had been told about the ad hoc staff meeting, and was dying to catch up with John to find out what was going on. They had long since given up the pretense of not discussing work matters.

After John's discussion with Dave he goes to see Cath Hilton to collect the paperwork he'll need for the meeting tomorrow. 

"Alright John? Cath gives him a sympathetic look.

" I've been better Cath. All this bloody drama over a pissed up Smurf! Ya wouldn't credit it! "

"How's Kayleigh doing?" 

" She's none too happy with Elsie I'll tell ya that! "

Cath chuckles, "No I don't suppose she is! But I meant how is she other than that? I passed her earlier and she looked sad to me."

" Sad? What's she got to be sad about? "

"Oh John, you don't get it do you? Hey take a seat. Let me fill you in on our Kayleigh."

John slumps into a chair he would rather have Fire Ants in his pants than discuss any of this with anyone. It was bad enough with Dave earlier, but he knows that Cath won't repeat any of this...she didn't get to be Head of HR without a modicum of discretion. 

"Can I ask you something?" Cath says gently, John nods so she carries on, "Were you going to kiss Kayleigh after the party? "

"Bloody hell you're direct!" John decides there's no point in trying to lie his way out of this, he nods again.

"How do you feel about her?" 

John groans and puts his head in his hands. " I don't know Cath, honestly."

"Shall I tell you what I've noticed? How long have we known each other John?"

"Must be over ten years. "

"Yes I started here in 2006. And in that time I've watched you. "

John looks up, "Eh?"

"Oh not in a creepy, stalker kind of way! And in these last three months I've never seen you happier! " she smiles kindly.

"It's like you've come alive John! You come in in the morning usually laughing about something and I'm sure Kayleigh has a lot to do with that! You never did that before you started car sharing!"

" She does make me laugh, Cath, she's a bloody headcase! " John says with affection as he grins to himself, which isn't lost on Cath.

"Do you know what she's thinking right at this moment?"

" Probably that she hates Dairy Lea Dunkers and wishes she'd thrown a sicky! " John answers instantly. Oh bloody hell we could go on Mr and Mrs at this rate! John thinks to himself.

"She's thinking that she wishes you had kissed her! But she's sad because she thinks that the Non-fraternisation policy has put paid to anything happening between you."

" Really? How'd ya know that? Have ya spoken to her? " 

"No John, it's written all over her face if you care to look! "

"I haven't seen her since I asked her to go up to see Dave. Do you really think that's what she's thinking?"

" Oh John, that girl loves you! And I've got news for you...you love her too! "

"I what?" John is bright red.

"You're in love with her John! Everyone can see it! Well apart from you and Kayleigh apparently! Even Dave Thompson has a soft spot for the pair of you!! Don't let fear keep you from the best thing that's ever happened to you!"

John shakes his head... "This sounds like a shit Romcom that Kayleigh likes so much!"

Cath laughs and pats John's arm sympathetically. "What are you going to do John?"

"I don't know Cath! I've got some serious thinking to do! I'm not ready!"

"Who is John? This has all been sprung on you hasn't it? Listen, take your time, but not too much time or Kayleigh might think you don't love her!"

"Oh bloody hell fire! What am I going to do Cath?"

"Well we'll start with getting this little matter with Elsie sorted! Then the rest is up to you!"

" I know you won't, but you won't say anything about our little chat to anyone? It's bad enough with the gossip going round at the moment. I need to time to think about things. Sort out how I feel. I don't want to be doing that in full view of every bugger here! "

"Of course not John and if you ever want me to talk at you again about the subject...feel free!"

" Thanks Cath, I appreciate it! Christ I best get wriggle on...Kayleigh will be waiting by the car!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayleigh tried to get John to tell her about the meeting

Cath shakes her head and laughs affectionately at John as he hustles off to take Kayleigh home. 

As predicted Kayleigh is waiting by the car. She sees John and her spirits lift, somehow everything is better when he's near. She's aware that they're being watched by curious eyes from the smoking shelter so resists the temptation to rush up to John to find out what's been going on.

"Alright Kayleigh?" John is also aware of being observed, he's not enjoying the attention but realises what it must have been like for Kayleigh being on the shop floor for the last two days. At least he's been able to hide away in his office.

"Let's just get out of here John!" Kayleigh says as they get in and buckle up.

" Bloody hell! That were a day that were! "

"Glad that's over! Yesterday I had sympathy, today everyone just wanted to know what was going on! The staff meeting has everyone talking I can tell you!"

" I'm sorry you're involved in all this, Kayleigh. I wish I could've taken all this away from ya! "

"Oh John! It's not your fault!" She pats his arm. Every bugger seems to be doing that today, John thinks.

Little does she know that most of this was his fault. If he had seen what the world and his bastard wife had seen and was man enough to do something about it they wouldn't be in this situation. He couldn't help Elsie, how she thought she was "helping" God alone knows, but if he was more open with his burgeoning feelings for Kayleigh perhaps all this could have been avoided.

John sighs deeply. "It'll be ok Kayleigh. It'll get sorted tomorrow"

" But how John? What's been going on today? "

John was dreading this question. He really couldn't tell Kayleigh what the meeting was about but he didn't want her to think he was shutting her out.

"Fancy calling in for a brew?" John is trying to think of a way of explaining what was going on without actually letting on the Big Plan.

" Oh that would be lovely John! Just what I need! "

They get their drinks and sit in the drive-thru car park each lost in thought.

" Kayleigh, " John begins " the meeting tomorrow is being run by Dave and Cath Hilton. I'm not really involved. " John decides to tell Kayleigh the exact truth without embellishments.

"But you're not in trouble though?" Kayleigh reaches out to grasp his arm.

" No, I haven't done anything wrong. Well except for giving bloody Elsie a lift in the first place! "

"Oh John and that was my fault! "

"Listen, they have a plan to deal with all this, so stop worrying. Worrying is my super-power!"

" Yes it is! Super John! " They chuckle, that's better, more like normal.

"So they realize that Elsie tried to seduce you?" Kayleigh tries again.

"I know, bloody unbelievable!" John shakes his head, he's shuddering at the thought of Elsie on her doorstep leering at him like something out of Benny Hill.

"Why's that John? You're gorgeous! Why wouldn't Elsie want to seduce you?" 

Oh shit! Kayleigh had definitely not meant to say THAT out loud!

"Eh? Come again?" John is a bit shocked. "What d'ya say? Give over!"

In all this time John has never really considered the possibility that Kayleigh might actually fancy him. And from the colour she's going he can see that she didn't mean to give voice to her thoughts!

"Why do you think that you aren't desirable John?" Kayleigh is genuinely baffled.

" I'm not Ted 2 am I? " John shifts uncomfortably.

"Oh, he's just eye candy John! You are funny and kind..." She studies him. .. " you're really quite handsome you know! "

Now it's John's turn to turn a deep shade of red.

"Oh and your talented, what with your music and everything! You're quite a catch. ..just ask Rachel and half the women that work here!"

" What? Really? " John could never accept a compliment and all this from Kayleigh was very unexpected and a bit too much!

"Oh yes John! They'd all have a go if they could! But you don't let anyone in so they think they don't have a chance!"

" I let you in...didn't I? " John is a bit dumbfounded if truth be told... 

"Well sometimes I think so..." Kayleigh trails off.

" I do, Kayleigh...it's just really hard for me. It's just easier to separate home and work, makes things complicated when they mix. "

"Oh right." Kayleigh looks sad but this time John recognises the look.

" Look, we're friends aren't we? Who'd ever thought that would happen with you throwing your piss all over me!? Just let's get through this shite tomorrow and let the dust settle eh? " He takes her hand briefly, "Whatever happens I just want to say . .. thanks for defending me. Dave says you were like a lioness!" 

" Oh John, there's no need to thank me. You're my friend and I'm proud of you! I'd never let anything happen to you if I could help it! I certainly wasn't going to get those hyenas get their talons in you! "

"Hyenas don't have talons!" John is in truth moved by Kayleigh's words and has to lighten the mood before sentiment gets the better of him.

" Oh you know what I mean John!" 

" I do, Kayleigh. Look let me just do things in my own time eh?" He hopes his meaning wasn't too oblique. "We'd best get off, I need to get ready for this meeting tomorrow. "

"You still haven't told me about this meeting John!" Kayleigh realises he probably won't but she gives it one last go. 

" No I haven't have I? I can't really say anything Kayleigh, I've been asked not to...but I will say that they're going to handle it as a training exercise! "

"Oh bloody hell! More Business Bullcrap! " Kayleigh is not impressed to say the least.

John chuckles, "Just give it a chance, Kayleigh, you might be surprised."


End file.
